


please, make up your mind

by smoll_jane



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Eventual Smut, Falling In Love, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Open Relationships, Pansexual Character, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:34:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24596098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoll_jane/pseuds/smoll_jane
Summary: He thought he could deal with it and actually lead Mina to the altar. But meeting Junhui kind of turns the side. And at some point, Mingyu knows he will have to make up his mind.
Relationships: Kim Mingyu/Myoui Mina, Kim Mingyu/Wen Jun Hui | Jun
Comments: 9
Kudos: 42





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi there ! 
> 
> this fic has a plot that could sound weird, but i really wanted to try it and to be honest, i'm kind of satisfied with the result. if you want a quick explanation, since the tags aren't really clear : mingyu is dating mina, they have an open relationship, and he meets junhui. i'll leave the rest to your imagination, you'll have to read to know what happens :)
> 
> just a quick disclaimer : the smut part is extremely short and could be really bad, since it's the first time i'm writing some. please forgive me if it's awful, but i wanted to try writing some for once. at least i know now this is not something i'm really comfortable with hahah
> 
> as usual, tell me your opinion on the fic, leave a kudo, and take care ! ♡

"This seems to bother you a lot."

It's Tuesday, way too early to even be out of work, and even more to be sitting on the stool of the first bar he could find in the streets. Mingyu looks up at the bartender, cleaning a glass with an amused smile, and then he looks down again, at the shining silver around his finger.

"This is not ... yeah."

The bartender chuckles and puts his glass down, leaning on the counter to get closer to Mingyu. The bar is empty at this time of the day, Mingyu is alone with his worries and his whiskey glass. He looks at his only human companion and realizes what he didn't notice before, too absorbed in moping about his life choices : feline eyes, something mischievous and bewitching, the way the right corner of his mouth lifts up when he smirks, the two moles above his lip, the grey hair streaks that escaped the tiny colorful hairclips on the sides of his head and fall before his forehead. Mingyu looks away. The guy is too close.

"Isn't she the one?"

He's not judging nor mocking him, as he should. There is a genuine interest in his voice, also maybe a little touch of pity. He's right, though, to pity him. Mingyu would rather be alone for the rest of his life than doing what he's about to do in a few months. He shrugs, looks at the bartender again.

"She was, I thought. But I'm not the one for her either."

The guy arches a brow, slightly leans backward. At his confusion, Mingyu shakes his head. It'd be too hard to explain, too long. He doesn't want to see again the face Jeonghan made when he first told him. Judgment, disgust. Hopefully, his best friend didn't care that much and quickly took part in supporting him, but this stranger in front of him doesn't have any reason to support him and could simply kick him out of the bar.

When he least expects it, after Mingyu sipped on what was left of his whiskey, the bartender reaches for his hand.

"I'm Wen Junhui by the way, Jun."

°

How long had he felt that bad? He couldn't remember.

He had been dating Mina for the past two years, and honestly, the first year had been the best of his life. He loved Mina so much, felt loved so much. Sometimes, he thought he could combust of happiness when she looked at him, smiled at him. She looked happy, too.

But then, things changed, _he_ changed. Slowly, viciously, he started being trapped in himself, feelings leaving him without turning back nor saying goodbye. He couldn't love the way he wanted, couldn't love _Mina_ the way he wanted. His love, his feelings went to other people, to people he shouldn't have liked, even for a second. He felt terrified. Because he couldn't allow himself to feel this way, couldn't allow himself to take this path. Couldn't do that to Mina.

And, one day, when he felt like he could die of how tight his inner prison had become, he sat on the bed on which Mina was already lying, reading a book. He was scared of the words he was about to say, of the power they held, of how much of his life they could burn down.

"Hon- Mina. There's something I need to tell you."

Behind his back, he heard her putting her book down. He could picture the way she looked at him, too. Knowing her so well pinched his heart. He couldn't be doing what he was about to, but yet, when she kneeled on the bed to get closer to him and put a hand on his shoulder, he knew he had to. For Mina's sake, for his own.

"What's wrong babe?"

The worries were growing up in her voice, of course she knew something was wrong. She shifted position again to end up sitting crossed-legs beside Mingyu, caught his hand and tilted her head to try and make him look at her in the eyes. But he couldn't. He hated being such a coward.

"I think we should ... we should ... I ..." His voice cracked and he felt his insides crashing. "I started liking men, Mina. This is no good for you. I'm not the man you should be with."

A single tear fell on his and Mina's hands when he pronounced the word _men_. Mina lowered her head, squeezed his hand. She didn't get angry nor stiffened as he imagined the scene a thousand times in his mind. She was still so sweet to him, and that's what brought more tears to his eyes. He didn't deserve her kindness. She raised a hand to his cheek and when he finally dared to look at her, she had a fond smile on her lips. At this sight, his vision blurred with tears and he felt out of place, as if he wasn't living the same situation as Mina. Because why would she be so nice when he was telling her he wanted to break up?

When he only felt his shoulders shaking because of his sobbing, Mina pulled him in a hug in this delicate way of her, caressing his back and hair, trying to calm him. At some point, he stopped worrying about her behavior and just let go, wrapping his arms around her too, attempting on calming down.

He did, after what seemed to be hours. And when he could finally look at Mina in the eyes without feeling like burning, her smile was back. She kept on holding his hand and finally talked, her voice replacing the silence that had followed Mingyu's cries.

"There is just one thing I need to know Mingyu. Do you still love me? Or even like me?"

He quickly nodded, bringing her hands to his heart, rubbing his thumbs on their backs. Of course he did. He never liked someone as much as Mina, despite how things had changed. He cared for her so much, hated himself for hurting her.

"Of course I do."

Mina closed her eyes, lips a thin line on her face, slightly curved to her eyes in a smile. When she opened them again, she brought a hand to Mingyu's cheek and caressed it with her thumb.

"Then, we can figure this out."

°  
  


To this day, it still feels surreal. The turning point things took. Mina telling her she liked women as much as men. Mina telling her they couldn't live this way, not in this country, not in this world. Mina proposing a life changing plan. She loved him and he loved her, and she said everything would be alright as long as they loved each other. Even when Mingyu told her it wasn't the kind of love he was supposed to feel for her, the kind of love she deserved, she nodded and said "I know, Mingyu". She said it was the most they could get in this world and that she was already happy with it.

The plan was to be free. To stay together as a cover, as a shield protecting themselves from outside, from this judging and terrifying world in which they didn't really have their place. To act like a couple, but do whatever they wanted, to get to know themselves how they wanted to, to like who they wanted to.

And they did. Mingyu somehow came to acknowledge the fact he was pansexual, met people, learnt that he was not alone. And the more time passed, the more grateful he was to Mina.

But then, things got slightly out of hand. Their parents met, and kept talking about how good they looked together, how good it would be for them to get married. Mingyu remembers seeing fear take place in Mina's eyes when she had to translate what her parents were saying. After a year of going on with their new type of relationship, Mingyu and Mina understood their parents were being suspicious about why they weren't married already. And they had their reasons to, since they had been together for more than three years, were both adults with a good career. They understood their shield was weakening and the world around doubting.

So, they got engaged.

°

Wen Junhui, as it happens to be, is a very good talker, but not only. He is also a very good flirter and then, Mingyu learns later, a very good kisser.

Mingyu hangs around for the rest of the day, talks with Junhui about nothing and everything, forgets the ring. Junhui listens to him, truly does, with interest in the eyes and nice smiles. Mingyu also gets to know him, who doesn't have much work on this day of the week. Wen Junhui came from China with the dream of becoming a dancer, said dreams breaking in shards when he understood it was much harder than he thought. So now, he's a dance teacher part-time, and a bartender the rest of the time. Mingyu doesn't understand immediately why, but Junhui also says he left China because he felt way too unsafe there, because of who he was.

It's only when Junhui closes the bar, hours later, and that he sticks way too close to Mingyu for it to be conventional when he leads him to the back door, that Mingyu understands what he meant. Before opening the door, Junhui calls for his name, gently, as shut as a whisper, and Mingyu turns around only to realize Junhui is way closer than he thought. Jun's hand doesn't last to find his nape and his mouth his. He has soft lips, nimble fingers.

After a first messy kiss, slightly panting, Junhui breaks apart and brings Mingyu's hand to their faces, his thumb rolling the ring around Mingyu's finger.

"What about that?"

Mingyu looks at the way the silver shines in the half-light for a second, but the next one he already puts his hand back on Junhui's waist to pull him closer.

"I'm allowed to do that."

The last word gets lost in Jun's mouth as it closes against his, and Mingyu pushes him back on the wall of the tight hallway, wanting to feel his body above Junhui's slightly shorter one. He can feel every one of his muscles as his hands wander on his arms, back and chest.

Their kisses are messy, all tongues and teeth, lips hurried and mouths eager. Jun's neck is much tougher than he thought when Mingyu trails his teeth along his Adam's apple. Junhui tries to catch his breath as he does, one hand sliding under his shirt, the other one loosening his tie around his neck.

"We can- Ah fuck. We can go to my place if you- Mmh. If you want."

The word triggers something in Mingyu's mind and he breaks the contact of his mouth on Jun's skin, leaving a purple kiss under his collarbone. He straightens up, hands sliding up to cup each side of his nape. He kisses him one last time and when he pulls back, he notices Junhui's eyes are shining just like his ring was a few minutes ago. They're beautiful, just as Junhui in his whole. His cheeks are slightly flushed and lips swollen and bright pink.

He wants to kiss him again.

"I gotta go. She's waiting for me."

Jun pinches his lips together as a thin line but still pulls Mingyu closer, arms caging his sides and hands meeting on his back. It seems the stars in his eyes stir like the wind in branches at night, silently, mesmerizingly.

"Will I see you again?"

Mingyu's first rule is to never see someone twice. Mina once told him he had the biggest heart she's ever seen, without knowing it was also his biggest weakness. Mingyu had to make this rule for himself, to not get attached nor hurt himself. But Junhui's eyes are begging him to break it, and tonight, he feels like doing so. _Just once. It can’t kill you, you haven't even slept together._ Vicious little voice. For a second, he swears it's Junhui's.

"I'll give you my number."

°  
  


He can always tell when Mina has slept with a girl. She seems slightly away, humming to herself when she cooks, her kisses on Mingyu's cheek absent. Also, she always makes big meals for the both of them.

Tonight, they're two to be elsewhere. Mingyu tries to help Mina but he's too useless and she chases him away. He ends up sitting on a stool next to the kitchen island, face resting on his palm. Earlier, just before he got in the apartment, his phone rang and when he looked at him, he had a text from an unknown number. _"Just so you have my number too. Take care"_ He couldn't help but feel his ring burning around his finger.

It's a rule breaking day. They _never_ talk about that, but Mingyu is too confused to stay silent tonight.

"Babe?"

Mina looks up from the boiling water she was stirring, eyes quickly coming back to where she is. She hums as an answer and gives Mingyu a small smile.

"Do you happen to see someone many times?"

She first tilts her head, brows slightly furrowing for a second, but then, when she understands, her lips form a small _O_ and she shrugs.

"It depends, but sometimes yeah. Why this question sweetie?"

Mingyu shrugs and waves his hand away, sighing.

"Oh, nothing. Thanks."

They eat well tonight. And Mingyu stops thinking about Junhui, too. Until Mina points at his upper lip with an amused smile and tells him he's been bitten. Mingyu feels his neck going red and quickly kisses her so that she doesn't see it.

Junhui appears in his dreams and he wakes up to a text from him.

°

Junhui's apartment is small and not luminous enough for his personality, but it's cozy and warm. When Mingyu steps in, the first thing he notices is the colors. Everywhere. On the small couch, on the paintings on the walls, on the curtains, on Junhui, too. His hairclips are mint blue and lilac today, on each side of his head. His smile is bright enough to light up the whole area when he opens the door after Mingyu knocked hesitantly.

"Can I make you some coffee?"

Mingyu nods, following his host. He feels too big for this place when Junhui looks in his natural habitat. Walking nimbly between the pieces of furniture, disappearing in what Mingyu guesses is the kitchen. The peach curtains are drawn, diving the living room in an orangey color. When Junhui comes back with two fuming cups after a few minutes, his smile is embarrassed.

"I'm sorry it's not big, but that's all I can afford with my jobs. But make yourself at home!"

Something in the way Junhui treats him so well, as if they had known each other for years, ties a knot in Mingyu's stomach. He smiles and takes a sip of his coffee, burning his tongue on the way. There's a moment of silence in which Junhui takes place on the couch next to Mingyu, making himself a spot like a cat, bringing his knees to his chest and leaning his side on the headrest. He hums to cool off his beverage and Mingyu enjoys this time to look around him. There are abstract paintings on the walls, but also some frames with cat pictures in them. He smiles at this sight, giving Junhui a side glance. He must have been a cat in a past life.

"Mingyu, can I ask you something?"

Surprised, Mingyu looks back at Jun and hums in approval. He looks slightly uneasey and keeps staring at his cup, which he holds like a treasure.

"Is it true that ... you're allowed to do what we did the other day? And that you're allowed to be here today?" The knot tightens in Mingyu's stomach. "I don't want you to be cheating on your wife."

At the word, the knot gets so tight Mingyu feels like he could throw up. He coughs a few times and risks a hand on Jun's knee.

"Fiancee. And yes, it's true. Don't worry."

Junhui sighs and finally looks at Mingyu with a smile.

"That's brave of you two."

"Realistic I'd say."

There's a smirk that stretches Junhui's lips, whiskers at the corners of his eyes when he closes them. After a few seconds of silence, he puts his cup on a small table and catches Mingyu's hand. He doesn't understand immediately, but Junhui stands up and waits for him to do the same, dragging him away from the sofa.

"I'm a terrible host, I didn't make you visit."

Jun's hand is warm and soft around his, but still firm in a way that makes Mingyu _know_ he has to follow. The apartment tour doesn't take long since Junhui leads him directly to the bedroom. It's simply decorated ; a large bed covered with pillows of different colors, a closet against the wall whose door is a mirror, and a vanity. On it, dozens of hairclips, a hairbrush, a few makeup items. A dark blue nail polish bottle. Mingyu didn't notice Junhui had his nails painted. He looks down on their hands and sees Junhui's pinky finger, the only one that has polish on it. He can't explain why, but the simple sight of it twists the knot in his stomach one more time.

When they're next to the bed, Junhui makes Mingyu's back turn on it and slides his hands on his waist. The smirk is still there, lips stretched and eyes mischievous, just as the first time, long before Mingyu _knew_ Junhui. A shiver runs down Mingyu's spine as he leans forward to kiss Junhui. It starts slowly, gently, far from what they did the other day, but when Jun tugs him closer and brings a hand to his nape, the kiss intensifies and Junhui slides his tongue in Mingyu’s mouth. The strength of it makes him slightly dizzy and allows Jun to push him against the bed, forced to sit when the back of his knees hit it. Junhui doesn't take long to push him a bit more and climb on his lap, both of his hands now on his back.

Mingyu feels out of breath, but he wouldn't break the kiss for anything in the world, grabs Junhui's ass to bring their hips together, gently growling when he senses Jun in his pants. As he does, Junhui bites on his bottom lip, licking it right after, and hums when his mouth starts trailing along his jaw to end up in his neck. Mingyu catches his breath, closing his eyes when Junhui's teeth close on his skin, whimpering at the flash of pain bubbling under the contact. Junhui soon enough finds his t-shirt and his hands quickly grab it by the bottom to pass it above Mingyu's head, taking the opportunity to bring their mouths against each other again, immediately locking his tongue with Mingyu's. His hands dance slowly on his bare chest, finger tips brushing his sides, thumb and index finger rolling his nipple. Junhui smiles against his mouth when it makes Mingyu yelp, and right after, he pushes his chest to make him lie down.

Helpless, Mingyu looks at Junhui taking his shirt off, still sitting on his lap, unbuttoning it with precise gestures. He's so skinny it makes Mingyu harder in his pants and he can't help but bring both of his hands on his waist, slightly lifting his hips to grind against him. Junhui chuckles, running his index finger on Mingyu's chest when he gets rid of his shirt, getting a shiver in exchange.

"You like that, don't you?"

As he says that, he slightly pulls himself on his knees and brings his hand on Mingyu's cock through his jeans. Mingyu nods, trying his best not to whimper like a teenager at the contact. Truth be told, he hasn't gotten laid by a man in too long and the simple idea of it makes a lot of effect on him. Pushing himself on an elbow, he catches Junhui by the nape and brings him closer to feel their chests against each other. Bare skin, raw, cold, nerves tensing up. Junhui tightens his grip on his dick and kisses him open-mouthed. Mingyu tries to slide his hands under the edge of Junhui's pants to take them off, but he chases him away and starts undoing Mingyu's belt instead. Jun starts leaving bright red kisses on his skin all the way to his legs as he pulls the zipper of his jeans down, and his teeth catches the elastic of his underwear just in time to keep them in place when he slides the pants on his legs. Mingyu quickly shakes them away and holds back a growl against his fist when Junhui starts touching him through the fabric, rubbing his thumb on the tip of his hard cock.

At the moment Junhui pulls on his boxers, Mingyu understands he won't have Junhui's mouth on his for a moment and this time, he lets go of a growl. He needs to be touched, he needs to be wanted. His wishes and every single sane thought he could have don't last to break in shards when Junhui's palm curls around him firmly.

He bites on his own hand when Junhui leans down.

What comes after could make Mingyu's head spin just at its thought. His wishes are fulfilled and even overcome. More than wanted, he feels _cared._ A feeling he hasn't had in ages and makes his finger tips tickle. They both end up lying next to each other on the bed, cushions spilled on the floor next to their clothes. Mingyu has to fight against his eyes closing themselves, but also against the want to turn around and wrap an arm around Junhui’s chest. Junhui, who is lying next to him, trying to blindly put his hairclips back in place, spreading away the sweaty grey streaks from his forehead.

At the exact second Mingyu pushes himself on an elbow and lifts a hand to his hair to help him, he knows it's a mistake. He had boundaries. He broke some of them, too many already. Being intimate with someone that doesn't share your life is something he has feared for a long time. He thought he found the recipe, the way to take pleasure where he needs and leave the rest behind with no look back.

But Junhui looks at him with a smile sweet, oh so sweet, as he carefully pinches streaks to clip them to the side of his head, and it's all Mingyu's weakness needs to open its gates.

"You must take care of your girl very well."

Mina appears behind his eyes for a fraction of second and he feels shame climbing on his limbs. Mingyu lets go of Jun's hair and sits up, shrugging. He mustn't get attached. It had been hard for him, at the beginning, to convince himself it wasn't cheating, it wasn't wrong. He still thinks it is. But what he somehow did convince himself about, though, is it’s the best way for him to be who he is. He looks back at Jun with a smile.

"I should go now. Thanks. For ... that."

Junhui doesn't say anything, watches him put his clothes back on. He doesn't accompany him to the door either, to Mingyu's relief. That's it, he'll never see him ever again.

It's fine this way, Mingyu tells himself.

°

It would have been fine, really, if Mingyu wasn’t so quick at replying to Junhui whenever he texts him, if he didn’t sometimes find himself picking up his phone first to ask him if he's free after work. He goes back to the tiny apartment once, twice, thrice, more times than he can count. And Junhui keeps being sweet, keeps taking care of him. And dear Lord, Mingyu _needs_ to be taken care of. And Junhui touches, Junhui smiles, Junhui whispers to his ear, Junhui kisses him, and Junhui looks at him with this peculiar way of him that appears then later in his dreams.

Mingyu hasn't touched a cigarette in two years. Keeps counting the days, to be sure not to fall in a trap when he loses attention. Some days, when he's stressed, when his head is buzzing with thousands of thoughts, he still takes the direction of the smoking room before realizing he hasn’t owned a cigarette box for years. Sometimes, when his emotions threaten to overflow, he still raises his hand to his mouth, or pats his pocket looking for his clicker.

Junhui is like his past addiction to nicotine. He started slowly, not measuring the extent of his recklessness. He thought it would be okay, he really did. But as soon as he steps out of Junhui's apartment, like a cigarette, he finds himself waiting for the next time.

He finds himself _needing_ Junhui. And that is terribly dangerous, more than anything. He knows he's playing with fire, just like a lighter you fiddle while waiting for your cigarette to be burnt to smoke a new one. He knows he has to stop, but it's stronger than him, he wants more, always more.

Until the day he has no more choice than quitting.

°

He'd been staying way longer than usual, knew Mina was working late this day and he was therefore in no hurry to get home. Jun made him dinner, all proud to cook Chinese dishes for him, a smile that Mingyu couldn't look away from not leaving his lips. They ate while talking about nothing and everything and then it was time to go home.

Nothing outrageous until there, Mingyu knew he had stepped a bit too far from the edge by staying so late to share a meal, but he also knew he could survive, was sure he could easily step back on track. But he fell from the cliff just before leaving, a gust of wind making him stumble and slip to the void. He'd put his coat on, picked up his bag, and Junhui accompanied him to the door. And then, then the habit of having lived with your loved one for the past years of your life took the lead on him and he leaned forward to kiss Junhui, sliding a hand on his nape, under his soft hair. As if it was not already enough, when he pulled apart, Mingyu whispered "Bye love".

And he knew it was too late. All the alarms turned on in him, yelling to get away, to run fast and to not turn back. Junhui widened his eyes, he took his hand back and straightened up. Everything in Mingyu started panicking, catching fire and destroying every proof of his mistake there was to destroy, with the sirens going on in the background. Junhui stayed silent, but Mingyu couldn't. He looked down and whispered a stuttering apology before running away.

He couldn't go back. Ever. Not after this.

°

As for every addiction that you suddenly decide to put an end to, it hurts. Burns, stings, aches in every part of you. Mingyu tries to take Junhui off of his mind, but he's always back, with his big eyes widened at him. He feels a punch in his stomach whenever he gets a text from him, doesn't even dare to look at his phone and just flips it upside down.

It keeps him awake at night. When Mina is long asleep beside him, he sees Junhui's smile and his little hairclips. He sees how he moves like a cat and the feline way he has to look at him. He remembers the way he touched him, too.

That's exactly why he can't see him again, and he knows it perfectly. He almost slipped, once. Slept with the same boy a few times and caught feelings on the way. Wonwoo was tender and sweet and he's sure no one could avoid falling for this boy. He made up his own rules after cutting things off with him. Because he couldn't fall in love with someone else. He wasn't engaged at that time, but still, he was terrified.

Which makes things even scarier now that he has a ring around his finger.   
  


°   
  


He ignores all of Jun's other texts the next week, hesitates to block his number. But it's not him, he can't be mean to someone. Acting blind is way better, reflects his cowardice more.

Until the day Chan knocks at his office door and passes a head through the door frame.

"Boss, there's a man here to see you."

He doesn't have any meeting today, but curiosity leads him and Mingyu nods. Chan disappears and he can hear his voice muffled behind the door, probably telling the man he can go in. Mingyu's heart skips a beat when Junhui enters, a frown on his face.

"Didn't know you were the boss."

Mingyu feels his nape go red and looks down. Junhui walks through the room and takes a sit on the chair in front of the desk, looking around him.

"Just Chan and a bunch of other people's one. I'm the editorial director. I don't remember telling you I work here."

Junhui nods, whistles quietly and Mingyu almost starts to think he isn't upset. But he still doesn't look at him.

"You told me between your fifth and sixth glass of whiskey the other day. Also, it was written on the stack of paperwork you had with you." As he talks, his voice gets colder and colder. And he finally sticks his eyes in Mingyu's. "Do you think I'm stupid or ...? At least if you don't wanna see me anymore tell me to properly fuck off because you're just acting like a fucking coward there."

Mingyu shivers, a sweat drop rolls down his spine. Junhui actually sounds scary when he's upset. After a second of hesitation, he stands up and bypasses his desk to sit on the edge of the furniture, in front of him. It's hard thinking about what to say without sounding like a fool or a liar. Mingyu scratches his nape for a while. He can't look at Junhui in the eyes.

"I ... I shouldn't see you anymore." Junhui chuckles and sighs. "It's not a good idea, I can't sleep with you."

Jun suddenly stands up and forces his way between Mingyu's legs, catching his chin, his other hand grabbing his tie. Mingyu notices the hairclips are a soft yellow today, and he has a second nail painted. Jun close, so close he can sense his breathing, smell his perfume. Flowers, too many for him to name one. Honey. Mint. Feel his fingers through the fabric of his dress shirt, too. Junhui tilts his head on the side, the demon taking his place in his eyes. This demon has Mingyu's heart's appearance.

"Yet you seemed to like it, am I wrong?" Mingyu is petrified but his body screams at him to shake his head. Junhui pulls a bit on the tie. "Then why?"

It's instinctive. The way he raises his hand to place a hair streak behind his ear, caressing the soft skin of his jaw on the way here. He hates it. Junhui smirks and leans a bit closer. A second of inattention and he'd be kissing him. Mingyu struggles to breath and it has nothing to do with the way his tie is now pressed against his trachea.

"I ... I can't do that to Mina."

Something seems to change in Jun's gaze. It softens, his hand on Mingyu's face slowly falls down and he lets go of the tie as he slightly backs off. Mingyu is confused by his reaction. Junhui looks at his feet for a second and then points a finger at Mingyu's chest, pressing right on his heart, just enough for it to hurt, staring right into his soul. Mingyu could swear pain flashes through his eyes for a second.

"Then you owe me a drink and a goddamn good explanation, Kim Mingyu."

He nods, because that's all he can do. And before he can get the grasp of what he's doing, his hand is curled around Jun's one, lacing their fingers for a moment so short he could think it was a hallucination. Junhui looks at their hands, fallen back in place, then at Mingyu with disbelief in the eyes and he walks to the door. Before leaving the room, he stares one last time at Mingyu.

"I'll wait for you after work."

°

Junhui doesn't look at him the way Mingyu wanted him to do when he tells him the story. There's pity in his eyes. Not disgust, not hate. Just pity. Maybe a tiny bit of the pain he saw earlier, too. And an invisible hand takes Mingyu's heart to crash it between its long fingers. It does feel like Junhui's hand, a little. Mingyu doesn't want Junhui to look at him this way, after sipping on his pink cocktail, because it makes things so much harder.

Of course Mingyu didn't talk about his fear of falling too deep, of letting feelings take possession of him like they usually do so well. He didn’t tell Junhui _I’m scared of falling in love with you._ He just told Junhui Mina and him agreed on freedom regarding sex, and they weren't supposed to get closer to their partners. That's it. And yet, it's already enough for Junhui to look at him with pity. Mingyu feels miserable under his stare. He takes a long sip of wine and stirs his glass a bit, trying to focus on the way the liquid quietly goes round and round.

Jun hushes for too long, doesn't make any comment. For a moment, Mingyu wonders if he believes him or not. Maybe the pity is due to the fact he thinks he's a terrible liar _and_ a coward. But Junhui finally breaks the silence settled between the both of them.

"I understand now. You should've told me immediately."

Mingyu nods. He can't say he's sorry. That would sound too pathetic, what he is too much already. What he says instead is the result of a conspiracy between his independent brain cells and his mouth. He's not aware of the words ready to take off, and if he were, he would have held them back because it's the worst idea he’s ever had.

"But we could still be friends."

°

The thoughts he keeps having at night are nothing but friendly. Mingyu can't sleep, can't let himself be haunted by his wants and needs. He wanders in their dark apartment, trying to drown his dreams in wine, some nights it's soju when he's sick of the taste. He can't stay in bed, next to Mina. He can't add the questioning about what the hell he is doing of his life to his torments.

Junhui doesn't text him for two weeks after their conversation. But he's there, every night, in his mind. Mina once asked him what was happening, waking up in the middle of the night for a glass of water. He said he had a lot of work keeping him awake these days.

He lied.

Kim Mingyu hates lying, especially to himself.

°  
  


He tries to convince himself he'll move on, he really does. Because he wants to. He has to.

Until the day his phone buzzes at the end of his day at work and he innocently looks at the notification, thinking it would be Mina or Jeonghan, from the other side of the building. But it is none of them and he almost drops his phone when he sees Jun's name on the screen. _"Can you give me a ride from the dance school to my place ? I know it's on your way. As a friend of course :)"_

The other day, Junhui looked bitter when he pronounced the forbidden words, but he still accepted. Mingyu regrets so much. But despite his regrets, he texts him back, asks for the address and the time he has to pick him up.

And he despises himself.

It's dark outside when the headlights of his car light up Junhui. Mingyu pulls over and Jun walks to him, a big bag on his shoulder. There is a small smile on his face, but mostly tiredness. He comes in silently, and Mingyu curses the smile he feels growing on his own face. Jun drops the bag at his feet and leans in his seat, closing his eyes for a second.

"Thanks, I didn't feel like walking."

Mingyu nods, knowing Junhui can't see it, and turns the engine on. He drives in silence for a long moment, buildings and streets scrolling by the windows. But it's too heavy for him, he can't bare the silence anymore and fears Junhui falls asleep next to him, leaving him alone with his thoughts.

"You look exhausted."

"I took an all-night shift and taught the whole day at school."

Jun sighs and finally opens his eyes, leaning his head against the window. Mingyu nods again. He doesn't know what to say, how to act. And he hates the fact he's happy Jun is next to him. He hates the fact he realizes he missed him. _You barely know him. You can't._ _You don't have the right to do that._ His hands tense a bit around the wheel, he tries focusing on the road and stop noticing the way Jun's leg is nervously jolting. But mostly, he tries to hold himself back from putting a hand on his knee to calm him. Let his hand slide along his thigh, pull over the car and lean across the gearshift lever to kiss him. He mustn't do that, he can't.

"You should take some rest."

Junhui looks at him, a brow going up in his free bangs. He scoffs and suddenly his leg stops.

"Easy to say when you've got a job like yours. I gotta pay for my rent you know."

Mingyu feels stupid. He lowers his head for a second and then proceeds on ignoring the way Junhui is glancing at him.

"I'm sorry. If there's anything I can do for-"

"You know, sometimes you should really shut your mouth before saying stupid shit like that."

He knows. He'd love to know how to stop before saying bullshit like he just did. Junhui sighs and leans in his seat again, pinching the bridge of his nose. Mingyu hushes. He's in too deep to say anything more, he would rather have to bare the silence in the car again.

The ride to Junhui's place is quite long, and it seems like even him doesn't like the silence. When they're halfway there, he finally uncrosses his arms and sighs.

"How's Mina doing?"

Mingyu's surprised by the question, straightens up in his seat a bit too violently and it makes Junhui chuckles. He swallows his saliva and rubs his thumb on the steering wheel to contain the way the question shook him internally.

"She's ... fine. I guess. I work a lot these days so we don't really have time to talk much."

Jun hums as unique answer. He's a bad fiancee, he notices. He lives with a woman and he doesn't even know how she's doing. Couldn't help himself but avoiding her lately, to be honest with himself.

Because that's the truth. He started things and cut them off with Junhui all because of Mina, and he's slowly getting away from her because of Junhui. His life is falling apart and he has strictly no grab on anything.

When Mingyu finally stops the car down Jun's building, he feels relieved. Relieved that this is finally over and he'll soon be able to damn himself alone in the car. Junhui takes a deep breath, picking up his bag, and for a second Mingyu thinks he'll go just like that. But Junhui looks at him with his eyes empty and his lips a thin line on his face. He opens his mouth once, ready to talk, closes it. He looks about to leave but finally speaks up.

"I don't want to be friends with you. I don't want to see you, actually. Thanks for the ride."

He opens the door and for the shortest fraction of time, before what he said can reach Mingyu's train of thought, the idea of catching his hand and kiss him flashes through his mind. But the words do reach his brain and he's bad at reflexes.

And just like that, Jun disappears in the dark.

°  
  


His bottle of wine is half empty when Mina joins him in the kitchen tonight. She doesn't usually drink, but she takes a glass in the cupboard and pours herself some wine too. She perches herself up the counter and wiggles her feet in the void for a few seconds before looking at Mingyu.

"What is wrong ? You haven't been sleeping for the past month. Maybe even more."

Mingyu shrugs, takes a sip of wine.

"I told you, it's nothing."

He can hear the lies in his own voice, knows Mina doesn't believe in what he says even for a second. She sighs, her frail shoulders going up so high before taking their place back.

"What's his name?" Mingyu finally dares to look at her, eyes slightly widened. He's tired of lying. "I'm not stupid babe. I knew your questions were weird the other day."

Mingyu sighs, swallows what's left of wine in his glass. He doesn’t know how to lie to Mina anyway, not her.

"I'm not seeing him anymore. I stopped before it was too late, I promise."

Mina goes down the counter and comes sitting on Mingyu's lap, petting the hair on the back of his neck. She has the empathy in her eyes that kept making Mingyu fall for her, _before._

"It's alright, I know you. Your heart is too big for your own sake, you can do nothing about it."

Said heart breaks at the words. Because what she doesn't know is despite cutting things off, his thoughts are haunted by Junhui. Thoughts, dreams, everything revolves around him. And that even before meeting Junhui, he kept thinking about how everything felt wrong. That he kept thinking he shouldn’t have this ring on his finger. Mingyu wraps his arms around Mina and buries his face against her.

He can't tell her.

°  
  


A month passes and Mingyu starts thinking he can actually get over it. Junhui disappears from his life, and slowly from his thoughts. Mingyu buried himself in work to avoid overthinking and started spending more time with Mina to stop feeling guilty.

But life being what it is, fate throws him in a trap when he least expects it.

Mina took the car because she had a business trip in Chuncheon, and Mingyu especially decides to walk home instead of taking the subway, _this_ night. The bar Junhui works at is on his way, and he can't not look at it when passing before it. He also can't not notice the fact that the lights are off and the place empty. Unusual.

Mingyu stops in front of the door and tries to look inside. He sees nothing because of how dark it is, but just when he's about to leave and go home, he notices a shadow, on the floor, beside the counter. At first, he thinks it's just a bag or something like that, but when the shadow moves, his heart skips a beat. From what he knows, Junhui is supposed to work here on this day of the week, and all of this looks too odd for him to leave like that. The door is unexpectedly open, and he takes the opportunity to get in, although hesitantly.

"Jun ... is that you?"

The only response he gets is a growl, and the closer he gets to the shadow, the faster his heart is beating. Until he finally reaches it, and understands it is, indeed, Junhui. The headlights of a car passing in the street light up the place for a second, and he has enough time to see the blood on his face, his heart stopping once and for all this time. Mingyu falls on his knees, praying for his heart to start beating again, and he can't hold himself back from cupping Junhui's face.

He doesn't even know if he's conscious or not, but at least he's breathing. His cheekbone is crimson red, bordered with purple, his temple is bleeding, one of his eyes can't open because of how swollen it is, and his upper lip is cut. Panic quickly climbs on Mingyu's limbs, and all he can do is calling for Junhui's name, whispering it, begging for him to hear him.

Mingyu swears he misses a heart attack when Junhui finally catches his arm, his only safe eye opening to stare at him. Too relieved, Mingyu's first reflex is to pull Jun in a hug and hold him tight. Junhui coughs and tries to free himself but Mingyu is clinging on him too strong. When he finally lets go of him, Junhui wipes the blood on his lips away with the back of his hand, running the other one in his bangs. There are no more hairclips on his head, all spilled on the floor next to him. Mingyu takes them and puts them in the pocket of his jeans.

"Don't touch me."

"What happened ?"

He coughs a few more times and attempts on standing up, rubbing the dirt off of his clothes and ignoring the hand Mingyu offers him. He stays on the floor, looking at him acting as if nothing happened. Junhui shrugs and makes his way to the door to lock it.

"There must be a rumor going around that I'm ... you know." Mingyu doesn't. When Junhui comes closer again, he notices the thin eyeliner at the corners of his eyes. He shakes his head and Junhui sighs, reaching for his hand to help him stand up. "That I'm gay, stupid. Three men barged in when the bar was empty."

Mingyu holds his breath, doing his best to not show how painful it is for him to see Jun in such a state. He follows him to the back door, silent.

"But I'm used to it, it's okay."

Mingyu's heart clenches at the words. He can't keep on hushing.

"Come home. Let me take care of you."

Junhui turns around with genuine surprise in his eyes. Mingyu thinks he'll refuse, but after a few seconds, he nods.

They walk in silence, and everything Mingyu tried to push apart these last weeks comes back in a hurry, delighted to make him flinch at the slightest mistake.

And all of this is already one.

When Mingyu unlocks the door, Jun talks for the first time since they left the bar, and it surprises him to realize he couldn't recall the sound of his voice. It terrifies him.

"Your girl's not there?"

Mingyu lets him in, shaking his head.

"Business trip. Make yourself at home. I'm gonna go get some stuff for your face."

Junhui walks to the living room, looking around him like a lost child. Mingyu can't help but stare at him for a second before heading to the bathroom. His hands shake a little as he ruffles through the medicine cabinet. Why does he have to be so easily shaken? Why do the slightest things have to make him so weak?

When he comes back, Junhui is sitting at the very edge of the couch, legs stuck together, hands gripping his knees. He still looks like a lost child, and Mingyu's heart gallops with the urge to take care of him. He drags a chair to the couch to sit in front of him.

The audacity that had always been in his eyes is gone today, Mingyu feels like he's facing Junhui's weaknesses, feels like he's being trusted and allowed to look at him in a state of vulnerability. Before even doing anything to heal his wounds, Mingyu lifts a hand to caress Jun's cheek, shushing the primal instinct telling him what he's doing is wrong. He's tired of rules and instinct. He’s tired of things being wrong. Junhui doesn't chase his hand away but closes his eyes, slightly leaning in the touch.

Something is torn apart in his insides. Because when he looks at him, suddenly, everything gets crystal clear. He can't keep on lying to himself.

He can't be in love with Wen Junhui.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

He can't be in love with Wen Junhui, but the truth is, he is.

When he has been holding his face for too long, Junhui opens his eyes, silently questioning him about his behavior. And he has all the rights to do so. Mingyu's lips stretch in a sad smile, because sometimes, feelings awareness hurts. It's quiet around them, the living room light is the only one turned on, the city night is going full blast out the windows, neon light and cars on the roads hushed. Mingyu slowly lets his hand fall down.

"What are you doing Mingyu?"

Jun whispers, low, oh so low. Mingyu doesn't know. He hasn't known what he's been doing for way too long. His heart clenches painfully because he shouldn't be seeing Junhui the way he is right now.

His world shouldn't be collapsing like it is right now because of Junhui.

"I don't want to be friends."

There is a long moment of silence. Mingyu keeps staring at Jun and his distorted face. He wants to touch it, he wants to hold it. He wants to cherish it and protect him. Junhui doesn't say anything, doesn't move. And Mingyu wants to scream, he wants to open the window and scream his confusion, he wants to tell the world how fucked up his life is. Maybe jump, just to see what it does. Maybe it would hush his worries, shut his feelings. Maybe nothing would matter anymore.

But he wants it to matter. He wants things to change. He's tired, way too tired of all of this. Some tears clog his throat, but he already knows he won't let them out. They have to stay inside, at all costs.

Junhui gently catches his hand and he notices there's blood on his knuckles. He fought back. And maybe, just maybe, it makes Mingyu more in love, it makes it hurt more. Jun doesn't look at him when he breaks the silence.

"What do you want, then?"

 _You_.

Mingyu locks their fingers. His ring is shining.

"All of this to stop."

And then, in the most gentle way possible, Junhui lifts a hand to his nape and leans forward to kiss him. Everything in Mingyu melts, it feels just the right way. But it hurts. It hurts so much. Pain is a part of the process, has always been. Mingyu presses his eyelids to keep the tears inside, he presses so strong it hurts and he sees white stars. He shifts position to sit on the couch next to Junhui, wraps an arm around his waist, clings on him like a lifeline.

Junhui knows how to ease the pain, how to cover it and act like it's not there. Because with every kiss, Mingyu loves a bit more, and it hurts a little less. Slowly, carefully, they lie on the couch and Jun's body covers Mingyu's, a layer of foundation hiding the wounds, and he doesn't want him to ever go away. He wants to keep him there, to hold him forever and let him do his magic tricks to chase the pain away.

At some point, Mingyu's thoughts hush and he lets them. He knows the comeback to reality will hurt even more, like a slap on the face, a punch in the stomach, but right now he couldn't care less. There is just him and Junhui, Junhui, Junhui.

Teenage years were fine. It was nice making out for hours, hidden in the dark of your bedroom and startling at every sound that could announce your parents' arrival. Mingyu kind of wishes he knew he liked boys back then, but they're making up for it now, not hidden, not teenagers. He loves being eager, but not the kind of eagerness an adult feels. The eagerness of being in love, of realizing the feeling and wanting to feel this way forever. His hands discover Junhui's body once again, his mouth takes the print of his, his chest digs itself out to create a place that is for Junhui and Junhui only. It stings when he pulls himself on his elbows, leaving Mingyu's lips, to stare at him.

"What about Mina ?"

A slap in the face, just as he thought. Mingyu looks at him, really does. Junhui is beautiful, even in the artificial light of the night, even beaten, even exhausted. There is so much grace in the features of his face, so much delicacy in the way his skin wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, so much delicacy in the way in lips swell when he kisses him. Mingyu catches his nape, plays with his hair.

"Just kiss me, please."

And he does. Junhui gives him all he wants, all he needs. Everything he requires to breath. He kisses him in every place that hurts, he takes his pain and kisses it away. And Mingyu breathes, he swears he hasn't felt so alive in months, in years. Maybe he never did, maybe falling in love is giving him a new birth, a better one, a one to a life that doesn't hurt, a one to a life that is made for him and his love, and no one else.

Loving takes his pain away tonight.

Junhui's face isn't taken care of before long hours, and Junhui's hairclips stay in Mingyu's pocket.

°  
  


When Mina comes back, two days later, Mingyu knows by heart every single inch of their apartment, has walked around it more times than he can count, has cleaned every speck of dust that would have had the misfortune to cross his path.

He also has slept three hours in total and questioned his entire life at least ten times.

It takes Mina one hour to understand something is going on. The time to unpack her things and take a shower, and then, she already knows. Not that Mingyu has particularly tried to hide it either.

The words have boiled in his throat since the second Junhui left the apartment, two days ago. Mingyu has felt the urge to let them out, to say the truth, to free himself of this burden, but he had to wait. So, when Mina sits in front of him at the kitchen's table, she doesn't even have to ask. And she knows, doesn't even look like she was about to ask anything. The truth is, Mina is the person that knows him the best, and Mingyu is still terrified about what he's about to say, about what he's about to lose. He tightens his grip around his glass of wine, closes his eyes for a second, takes a deep breath. When he looks at her, he knows he has to do it.

"I'm in love with someone else."

The burden doesn't go away, as he pictured it. It deepens, gets heavier on his chest. Mingyu suffocates when Mina lowers her head, after staring at him for long seconds. The air lacks around, he doesn't find anything to help in the sip of wine he takes. Mina taps the wooden table on an unknown rhythm, slightly shakes her head. Her hair falls in front of her face, Mingyu feels helpless. He wants her to say something, anything. Yell at him. Throw her glass of water at him. Order him to leave the house. Leave the room herself. But he knows she won't do any of that, he knows her too well. He also knows what she's about to say, in a few seconds.

She finally looks up, her eyes darker, sadder than Mingyu thought they would be.

"Does he love you back?"

This is _not_ what he was expecting. The question sets fire to his heart, because he has no idea. But this is a quiet fire, slowly combusting, making his body a hearth, taking possession of the place. Does it really matter? If Junhui loves him back or not? Mingyu knows the fire would go out of hand if Jun didn't love him, but he also knows even if he doesn't, his love for Mina isn't strong enough anymore to resist his love for someone else.

"That is yet to find out." Mingyu's voice is steady, steadier than it has ever been. The burden slowly goes lighter.

"So what Mingyu? What do you want to do now?"

Mina's tone is unexpectedly cold. Not that she doesn't have the right to be upset, but there is a change in her behavior that he doesn't quite understand. There's a glimmer of fear in her eyes, and suddenly, it hits Mingyu : he's letting her down. He's abandoning her in this wild world when he thinks he has made a choice for himself, not thinking about her at any second. Mina's lips stretch in a sad smile. It's hitting so hard, all at once. He spent so much of his life with her. He cared for her so much. And now, he realizes how much it would involve if he left her.

And to be honest with himself, he doesn't know what he wants to do. He just wants to love Junhui. Every time he thinks of it, there's a pinch at his heart. He can't do anything else that stare at Mina in silence, witness her understanding he has no idea of where he is going. She sighs and rubs her face. Can he really do that?

_Mingyu, you don't love her anymore. You can't lock yourself in this cage forever. You can't lie to yourself for the rest of your life._

She has always been smarter than him, cleverer. She pulled them out of traps more than once, always with the best of ideas. He trusts her. He'd put his life in her hands if he had to. There is nothing he can put a word on in her eyes when she finally speaks again.

"You know what? Invite him to our birthday. I want to meet him."

They have always celebrated their birthdays together for as long as they've been together. Every year, they organize a small party with their friends. Mingyu has always liked these moments, so why does a sweat drop rolls along his spine? Maybe it's this thing, in Mina's eyes, that he can't explain. He nods, unable to say anything.

Silently, Mingyu stands up and takes the direction of their bedroom, but Mina's voice resonates behind his back.

"I think you should sleep in the guest room for tonight."

°  
  


Mingyu actually sleeps in the guest room the day after, and the one after, and every day until the party. Mina doesn't look at him the same way anymore, and he feels guilty, so guilty.

Junhui didn't reply to his invitation for two weeks, only did the day before the party. _"I'll be there."_

He doesn't know why, but Mingyu is terrified to see Junhui again. He's terrified to see him while being aware of his own feelings. And unaware of Jun's ones. He's also terrified of Mina and Junhui meeting. There's something in him, a voice, a presence telling him it's a bad idea, telling him something will happen.

He doesn't sleep better than when he decided to cut things off, actually has nightmares of the worst scenarios possible. An empty bed lets much more place to your demons to shroud you and make you lose your mind. Most of the time, Mingyu sits at the edge of the bed, trying to recall every single moment he spent with Junhui, trying to find hints that his feelings could be shared.

But he doesn't. He's not sure of anything anymore.

°  
  


At some point, time passes and D-day is there. The apartment is filled in with their friends, soft music playing in the background, food and bottles on the tables. It doesn't feel right. Mingyu keeps checking his watch and phone to be sure Junhui didn't text to say he wasn't coming, but nothing happens.

Jeonghan told him he looked weird, handing him a glass with a brow lifted, and Mingyu chuckled, saying he was working on a file that was hard not to think about. And Jeonghan made his face, the one saying _I know you're lying but out of respect I'll act as if I believed you_. Hopefully, he seems to be the only one to notice.

Mina is a good actress, has been clinging on his arm since the first guests arrived, only leaving to talk with some friends of her. But she always came back with a sweet smile, a small caress on his nape before sliding an arm around his waist. Mingyu is lost, oh so lost.

He's been playing for so long and understands only now he's a terrible actor, doesn't know how to fake a love he lost a long time ago. Doesn't know how to deny the existence of a new one.

Mingyu almost runs to the door when the bell rings, embarrassed smiles on his way under their friends' curious stares. He has to take a deep breath before opening, lifting a hand to his chest to be sure his heart won't rip off of his ribcage. Junhui looks great under the artificial lights of the hallway. When he smiles, Mingyu has to clench his hand around his heart to keep it in place. But as much as he looks good, Junhui mostly looks uncomfortable, and a wave of panic crashes on Mingyu. He didn't plan anything. Didn't think about what to do when he'd be there.

Because he secretly thought he wouldn't come.

"Thanks for coming."

"Thanks for inviting me." Mingyu missed his voice. Missed him. He wants to lean forward and kiss him, but Junhui hands him a bottle of wine, nervous smile stretching the corner of his mouth, and he comes back to reality. The reality in which he is not allowed to kiss him. "Can I ... come in?"

A fool. He's a fool. Mingyu quickly nods and giggles of embarrassment, freeing the way for Junhui to enter. His nape is burning red and he's still helpless about what to do. As they walk to the living room, where everyone still is, Junhui suddenly turns around, startling Mingyu, and sticks a bit too close to him.

"What am I doing here Mingyu?"

Mingyu sighs and looks around to be sure no one could hear nor see them. Instinctively, he raises a hand to Jun's neck, playing with his hair. It grew up since they met, reaches his shoulders now. Today the hairclips are pink, and there's just one of them that is a deep green. Mingyu smiles and Junhui leans in the touch.

"I talked to Mina. She wants to meet you."

Of course Junhui would be surprised. And seeing his reaction, Mingyu tells himself he should have warned him. Junhui straightens up the head, breaking the contact with Mingyu's hand, and his eyes widen slightly. For the shortest second, a glimmer of fear passes through his gaze and Mingyu thinks he's going to step back and leave, but the next one he already turns back to walk to the living room.

This isn't gonna end well, says the voice in Mingyu's head. He knows it now, he knows it was a bad idea. Junhui turns to him and there's the smallest impression of a smile on his face. He catches his hand and pulls on it gently.

"Come on, I need you to introduce me."

Mingyu has to remind himself he _can't_ lace his fingers with Junhui's, settles for enjoying the warmth around his palm.

Hopefully, almost no one notices Junhui's arrival, and Mingyu can lead him directly to the small gathering of his closest friends. Jeonghan and Seungkwan are arguing about wine and Chan seems to be trying to enjoy the taste of it. They turn to the both of them when they arrive, and Junhui finally takes his hand back.

"Guys, this is Junhui, he's-" There he is. Mingyu's stuck. "He is-"

"A friend."

Jun slightly bows and Mingyu's friends do the same in return. The natural way Junhui said it makes Mingyu shiver. He knows he couldn't say the truth, of course, but yet he feels like the word is wrong. While his friends introduce themselves, Mingyu looks at Jun and thinks _What the Hell am I doing ?_ He wants to step on a table and take Junhui's hand and yell _This is the boy I'm in love with !_ But he can't, God knows he can't. That's what Mina always tried to tell him, they can't be like that, not here, not now, not like this. What if he just caught Junhui's hand and ran away with him? Far, far away?

"Mingyu? Mingyu?" Mina's voice tears him off of his thoughts. She's gently squeezing his arm and trying to get his attention. "Shouldn't you introduce me to your friend?"

Mingyu can't help but tilt his head at the word. He wants to tell her Junhui isn't his friend, but he's reminded of the dozen or so people around them, of _Junhui_ beside him. He nods, turns to Jun who's looking even more uneasy than before, lips a thin line on his face.

"Of course. Of course I should." His heart seems to be pumping the wine he drank earlier and makes everything around blurry, beats in his ears, reminding him to breath but stopping him from doing so. "So. Mina, this is- this is Jun. Junhui. Wen Junhui. And Jun, this is. Mina. My- Mina."

He feels like all the attention is on him, everyone is watching, waiting for him to make a mistake, as if his life wasn't already one. Waiting for him to trip and fall. He could fall at the slightest gust of wind when Mina lets go of his arm to reach for Junhui's hand.

"Nice to meet you Junhui. Mingyu told me a lot about you."

_This is wrong. I haven't._

"Nice to meet you to. I've heard a lot about you too."

_This is wrong, this is so wrong. What is happening._

Mingyu is a spectator, things are getting out of his hands and he can only watch. Mina gets closer to Junhui and whispers to his ear. They're close, he can hear. He can hear but he can't say anything.

"Could we talk for a second? In private?"

And then, Jun nods and they leave. And Mingyu can only stand here, realizing how fucked up all of this is. Seungkwan shakes his shoulder.

"Hey dude, you okay?"

Mingyu nods. But he's not okay. He's terrified.

He tries to follow the conversation, sip on his wine and forget the fact his fiancee and the man he loves are having a conversation in private. He can't help it. Checking his watch, seeing the minutes pass, feeling his throat getting clogged, his heart loosing the track of its own beats.

When ten minutes have passed, his brain decides it had enough and his inner voice suddenly yells at him to go and check what's happening. What he does. What he shouldn't do.

They're in the guest room, the door half-open. Mingyu can't hear anything, but Mina is pointing her finger at Junhui's heart, and he swears he has never seen her so scary. She looks angry, brows furrowed and eyes dark. And Junhui looks terrified. Eyes empty. Skin pale, oh so pale.

It has not been a minute since Mingyu arrived that suddenly Jun takes the direction of the door. He does not see Mingyu when he gets out of the room, and he resolutely walks to the entrance door, steps heavy and shoulders lifting fast. Mingyu doesn't understand. He's about to take a step to him, when he already has a hand on the doorknob, but Mina's hand on his arm makes him startle and miss a beat. Mingyu looks at her, and she's back to normal, and that terrifies him even more.

When he looks back at the door, Junhui has disappeared.

"Mina what- what happened in there? What did you tell him?"

Mina shakes her head, and she has that fond smile of her.

"I think you should sleep in our bedroom again."

°  
  


A day passes. And then two, three, a week, a month. Mingyu doesn't hear of Junhui again. He tries to ask Mina, many times, about what she told him. But she never replies, and so does Junhui when he tries calling him, texts him. He tried to show up at his bar, but he was never there either.

Mingyu prefers to think he's just crazy. It's much better, easier if he wants to move on. Mina is sweet to him, doesn't seem to hold any grudge that he wanted to end their relationship. But it still doesn't feel right. Junhui or not, it still feels like a prison, like a cage holding him back, it still feels wrong.

He tries talking to Mina about it, he tries to tell her they should stop it. But she keeps telling him it's better like this, to have their shield like before, acting like she doesn't understand his understatements.

It hurts. Not to know the truth. Not to know if things will end someday. Not to know anything. Mingyu is lost and has nothing to hold onto. It hurts not to have Junhui by his side anymore.

And time passes, and the wedding is still planned and the fear eats Mingyu. Because he doesn't want to get married, he doesn't want of any of this. But Mina holds his hand when it shakes and calms his nerves when he starts walking in circles in the apartment.

Sometimes, he wakes up startled, thinking he heard his phone rang and it is Junhui. But it's never him. Now Mingyu knows what he did to him, the first time he tried to cut things off. He knows what Junhui had to bear. But it's much harder, when you're in love.

Because for Mingyu, this disappearance means no love. It means his feelings aren't shared, it means he rushed straight in the wall and is now falling in a hole that seems bottomless. And there is no one to catch him.

°

Mina's parents have always been nice to him. Always told him how good of a husband he'll make for their daughter. Even his brother, the rare times they met, said he trusted him to take good care of his little sister.

All of this feels wrong now. Sitting in front of them at the restaurant, them and Mina talking about the wedding, Mingyu hushing. He can't talk about it. Not when he knows things will take a different turn. He doesn't know when, he doesn't know how. But what Mingyu knows is something will, at some point, happen. The day he'll crack and run away.

Maybe this day isn't so far away.

His phone keeps ringing in his pocket, but he really tries not to look at it. Until Mina gently squeezes his arm and whispers that it could be important. And God knows it is.

Five missed calls and three messages. From Junhui. Mingyu's heart misses a few beats before fastening up so much he feels out of breath just by looking at his screen.

_I need you._

_Home._

_Please._

Everyone is looking at him and he feels his nape burning red when he stands up, bowing deeply to hide the fear he knows is growing in his eyes.

"Excuse me, I have an emergency."

Mina silently asks him what's going on, but he ignores her and leaves the restaurant. He'll finally know. He thought this day would never come and he'd always remain in the ignorance.

He walks too fast to his car, trips. Drives too fast, has to remind himself to slow down. Runs in the stairs of Junhui's building, misses a few ones. Gets the code of his door wrong, has to start again three times.

"Jun?"

There are coughing coming from the bathroom, and when he goes there, he finds Junhui sitting on the floor, his face above the toilets. Things are still blurry in Mingyu's mind, but it gets clear when he stumbles on an empty bottle, wanting to reach Junhui. All of the pressure that grew up in him on his way here drops in a finger snap and he sighs, both of relief and annoyance that he was so worried for _this_.

"You really called me because you're drunk?"

Jun doesn't say anything, not even looking at him. Mingyu has the reflex to hold his hair when he leans forward to throw up. He naturally pats his back, playing with the hair between his fingers. It's soft, not held by any clips today.

"Do you want some water?"

Junhui nods and he leaves to the kitchen. There is another bottle there, and Mingyu wonders for how long Jun has been drinking alone. When he goes back to the bathroom, he's sitting with his back leaning against the wall, wiping his mouth. He takes the glass Mingyu hands him with no word and drinks half of it at once. The bathroom is so small that when Mingyu sits in front of him, his feet almost touch the wall Jun is leaning on.

"Why did you disappear like that? Why did you call me?"

Junhui stares at him for a really long time. He's never been so pale. Mingyu wants to reach out and warm his face, bring the pink blush usually tinting his cheeks. He wants to close the distance and turn his lips bright red. Make his eyes alive. But things changed. And Junhui's behavior makes him believe he has no right to do that anymore.

"Because I'm stupid Mingyu."

His voice makes him shiver. He hasn't heard it in so long. Hasn't allowed himself to think about it. And now it is here, telling him things he doesn't understand.

"What did Mina tell you? Why did you run away Jun?"

Junhui sighs and closes his eyes, leaning his head on the wall. His hands come gripping the bottom of his t-shirt, knuckles white around the fabric. That too, Mingyu would like to reach for it and smooth it. Put a kiss on every knuckle to relax it. He closes his eyes too. He can't look at him if it's to think this way. Jun sighs one more time.

"She told me a lot of things. She told me about how I affected you, how you acted after meeting me. How upside down you were." Mingyu opens his eyes. Junhui still has his close. "She told me that you loved me." Mingyu clenches his fists on his thighs to counterweight the pain in his heart. "She told me how you had to be loved. How you had to be treated. How you loved, too." Mingyu's throat clogs. "She told me you had the biggest heart on Earth. But that, I think I already knew."

Junhui opens his eyes. They are shiny. Don't look quite normal, don't have the brightness Mingyu loves so much. The stars are disrupted, agitated. Mingyu has to take a deep breath to be sure his throat won't betray him and make his voice shaky.

"That doesn't answer my questions."

Junhui scoffs, an empty smile stretches his lips. He lowers his head and closes his eyes for a second before looking at Mingyu again. He's scared of the way he looks at him.

"I was scared Mingyu. I ran away because I was terrified."

Mingyu doesn't understand. And suddenly, there are tears in Junhui's eyes. Tears _and_ anger.

"I don't _love_ people, Mingyu." There's a tear, one single tear, that rolls down his cheek. And Junhui looks _so_ angry, angry at himself. And desperate. "That's not something I do, something I know how to do."

Mingyu's nails pierce the skin inside his palms. Junhui hides his face with his hands, he hears him sniffing and swallow a sob. Mingyu wants to bring his knees to his chest, curl up and stop looking at Junhui, but he suddenly puts his hands down and catches his ankle to keep his legs in place.

"I'm not done yet." Junhui wipes his tear and replaces a loop of hair behind his ear. He sniffs once more and looks at Mingyu again. The tears are already away. And the anger has been replaced with fear. "I'm scared Mingyu. Scared of your love." _And I'm scared of your words_ , Mingyu thinks. "Because I care for you. I like you. More than you'd think." Mingyu widens his eyes and Junhui tightens his grip around his ankle. "I just need to learn. Because I want to give you back this love. And I'm scared. I'm so fucking scared."

Everything slowly makes its way to Mingyu's mind. He has to understand their meaning, weigh them, roll them on his tongue. He tilts his head and fully understands why Junhui looks so vulnerable right now. And finally understands that he can, now, reach for Junhui. Junhui who looks like he could collapse and burst in tears at the slightest imbalance, but Mingyu is ready to risk it all. Shake the boat and risk the shipwreck.

He feels like breathing again when his skin finally touches Junhui. He feels alive when his arms wrap around him, when Junhui hides his face in the crook of his neck and he can caress his hair.

"I will show you."

Junhui loops his arms around his waist and straightens up the head to stick their foreheads. Mingyu is dying to kiss him.

"But what if I can't love you like Mina?"

Mingyu brings a hand to Jun's face, caresses it and replaces a hair streak behind his ear.

"Jun. I don't want you to love me like Mina. You are you and it's already enough, I don't need anything more. And I'll be waiting, all the time you need."

Junhui smiles, and when his eyes close in two crescent moons, there is another tear that rolls down his cheek. Mingyu wipes it and finally, finally kisses him.

He kisses him with the love that had been needing to overflow for so long, this love he wanted to give but couldn't, this love he wasn't sure was right.

But now he knows. _This_ is right, this is what he needs, what he wants. Junhui kissing him back, his hands on him, his hands holding him, being held and touched by him too.

Knowing he has the right to love him.

And maybe this is all he always looked for.

°

Mina loved him and he loved her. They grew up, as adults, together. They learnt about themselves together, got to know themselves better. They've evolved together, but the time has come for them to take separate ways.

Mingyu somehow always knew this day would come. Didn't know when, didn't know how and in what circumstances. But he knew it would.

It's hard, telling her this is the moment. It's hard telling someone you thought you would share the rest of your life with, that you won't. It's hard seeing Mina lower her head and a sad smile stretch her lips. Seeing the first tear roll down, feeling one on your cheek too.

He can't start to express how grateful he is to her, how much she helped him, how much he cared for her and will always do. Can't say it with words, this is not something words can do. He tries to tell her with a hug, on the doorstep, his luggage at his feet. He tries to tell her he'll always be there for her, no matter what, and he feels like she acknowledges it, tightening her embrace around him.

And then, he wipes his tears and turns a page of his life, the elevator doors closing forever. He knows they'll open to something new, something he wished for.

To Junhui.

Junhui kisses him with a smile and rainbow hairclips holding his hair when he enters his apartment, and he feels it. The growing love.


End file.
